Near black outs from the pain and dehydration. Burning hot heating pad continuously against my abdominal and lower left back's skin, leaving marks behind while attempting to dull the inner torturous and horrendous pain.
Hot baths, as hot as my skin can handle, to try and soothe my aching muscles from this hidden monster within.
Standing and walking are nearly impossible as a result of the strain of pain. Massaging and squeezing the abdominal muscles with my tired worn hands to try and assist find some type of relief, even if only minimal. The conniving monster stretching, punching, slicing my insides, tormenting, shredding and butchering me from within. Literally, that is the best way I know how to describe this sickening, relentless, and persistent clawing pain. My body, stomach, and small intestines revolting, trying to send everything back up with intense waves of nausea and heaving. Assessing and questioning my resiliency throughout the day and night.
Where is this particular monster coming from? Why did it choose to reside here, within me, at this time? Is it trying to make a permanent residence, even if immensely unwelcome, or stopping by for an appalling villainous visit? Each day become more and more ghastly, loathsome, and frustrating. I swear that it can't leave soon enough! I can't help but wonder what I did to cause it's arrival or what I can do to kick it out?
I attentively and cautiously watch my body's reactions. Are there signs or signals that my body is emitting? Is there an SOS needed for emergency relief?
My ileostomy bag, which seemed to stop or cease for a few hours earlier, suddenly began emptying like crazy. Releasing lots of water and gastric juices in large volumes frequently, which is abnormal to me for sure. The good news is that I know this at least provides proof that there is not a complete obstruction.
Is it possible that I have a partial obstruction (blockage) in my small intestine or near my ileostomy? I guess there's a chance. If so, I can predict that the monster this will likely be a thief of fluids, but I have a chance to survive on my own. Praying that my body will not go down without fighting, I depend and rely on it to find the means to flood my intestines out. I know that the monster will not give up quickly. It will clasp to the walls, acting as a dam, or maybe even a demon, until eventually one of us finally concedes or surrenders.
Realizing the impact of losing essential fluids so quickly, I help supply my veins with my IV hydration fluids. Tempting my fate, trying to deal with this situation on my own instead of reaching out for possibly pointless or unnecessary help. A recurrent question that always leaves me pondering, makes me vulnerable, and often causes me to rebel against my family's well-intended opinions. My ileostomy stoma, surrounded by a tender ring of pain in all directions, with deep muscle spasms, intense cramping, and stalling pain underneath, do not give me hope of relief anytime soon. How long can this monster keep surviving within me? To what will it give? How can I destroy the destruction that it leaves in it's path?
I choose not to throw my white flag this time, choose not to call in for reinforcements, because in my mind, what would be the purpose? What could or would they actually be able to do that would end my misery any sooner?
I am aware that pain medicines are not an reliable option, at least not ones that can truly mask or end this pain. Why? I know that they can literally make matters even worse or keep the monster lingering around even longer, as they will only slow my digestive system down further. That is definitely not my desire or plan.
Fluids, thank goodness for IV fluids, I can run them at home, keeping myself hydrated, which is essential. If it weren't for them - I know that there would be no other choice but to make the dreaded emergency room or doctor visit.
My chair, my heating pad, my terms, are greatly preferred to keep me as comfortable as being completely miserable from this severe striking pain can be. I will not risk letting a doctor or nurse minimize or dismiss this hellish pain. I'd rather take my chances alone until I meet my breaking point and feel as if I have nothing, no reserves left to lose or give.
This action is not wise, and I definitely do NOT recommend or advise others to follow my path; But for me personally, it's the only path that I could accept for myself at the time.
(This was written after seven days of continuous pain. I'm still not feeling "good" by any standards, am still experiencing quite a lot more than my normal level of pain, and keeping my heating pad attached to me, but thankfully small improvements have finally begun to make an appearance. Hopefully, this monster is completely evicted soon!)