Once in a while my mind and mouth say "Try a little ---- yogurt, milkshake, applesauce, mini muffin, etc. (Mind you, only 1 is attempted during the day and even then usually only a couple of times each week.) They coax me along, "It will be delicious. It shouldn't cause you too much trouble! You won't regret it. What's the worst it can do? You need to keep trying so you get additional nutritional intake and to avoid more damage to you digestive system."
Initially, my stomach says "That wasn't too bad. It tasted good. I'm really full but I think I can handle this. Thank you." However, my stomach and mind then turn on me. They mastered deceiving me once again. Out of nowhere, no matter what I'm doing, nausea and pain hit me hard a few hours later, if not earlier. My mind first responds with "It's okay, at least it was good. At least you were able to enjoy a little something. We've got this!"
Then disaster hits when side effects continue and intensify. "What were you thinking? How stupid can you be? Why are you going to keep doing this to yourself?!!! You deserve the pain and nausea because it's your fault for trying a little something in the first place." My stomach chimes in with it's attitude of "you will now pay for putting me through this hell. You want to keep playing with me, testing me, well guess what, it's time for you to be punished. I'm going to make you feel as awful as possible. Just remember, you are the one that wanted to take the chance - now you can deal with the consequences."
See the deception!! It's unexplainable and disturbing for sure. But that's not all!
Physically, I deal with deception as well. My mind wants my body eager and active, but my muscles do not always agree and definitely do not like to cooperate. My muscles and mind work together to tell me that I should be fine if I do this and that. They tell me that it would be fun or nice. They remind me of how much I'm missing and encourage me to be more actively engaged so I don't miss out on life.
Sounds great, right? I mean doesn't everyone want to spend time outside, go on vacations, go shopping at the mall, or take scenic walks with their loved ones? Wouldn't activities help the family be closer, make life more enjoyable? So I spend hours, days, or sometimes even weeks to decide if I can be courageous enough to take the chance. "What kind of complication or consequences will I have to undertake? Can I successfully survive the consequences?"
Finally, I gain enough confidence and decide to agree to live more. My choice may be as simple as going shopping, attending a movie, or taking a calm relaxing vacation with my family. In the moment, I go all in! I mean, if I'm going to be required to face consequences afterwards, I might as well enjoy the moment to the highest maximum level.
My family and I do try to make as many accommodations as we can beforehand. Most of which, I tend to agree with (with the exception of using a scooter). I don't like admitting that I need to take a break, leave early, sit back and watch others have fun, or cancel. If I start something, I will do everything in my power to complete it as expected. I will not look for excuses or express too many complaints. Lots of times, it's my family that sees when I'm physically struggling and reevaluates and/or makes adjustments to our plans. After deceiving my body enough to participate in life, allowing adrenaline and emotions to take control of my actions, my body becomes enraged. My muscles and energy crash on me. Then my body furiously punishes me for days and sometimes even weeks. Leaving my mind to feel deceived as well.
Another example of deception is when my mind and body try to deceive others with the outward appearance that I portray. With a smile on my face, I try to convince others that I am fine, that I'm okay, that I am strong enough to handle things, and that my shortcomings do not bring me down. I try to persuade them, regardless of how bad I'm actually feeling, that I have things under control so there is no need for them to worry about me anymore.
As previously stated, it's quite apparent that I have become a body of deception as a result of my chronic illness and it's impact on my life physically and mentally. But, I must admit, this body of deception does at least allow me opportunities to feel alive.