This past weekend I remained home while my family went away for a weekend trip to the water park. While I don't like being left behind from vacations, I welcomed a little bit of "me" time. As crazy as it sounds, I'm still trying to physically recover from my outing earlier this month. Well that and the difficulty sleeping due to numerous nightmares each night over the past month or two. My lack of patience and levels of irritability have increased, which to me is a cue that I'm in need of some quiet 1 on 1 reflections.
During my necessary "me" time....
I enjoyed bonding with our new kitten.
I attempted to journal and blog - both of which were unsuccessful.
After deaccessing my PORT, I took a couple of long relaxing hot baths.
I turned up the speaker volume and listened to my favorite songs.
For some reason, the above just didn't quench my thirst to feel "normal" enough. I have spent so much time trying to be extra mindful and careful of meeting my medical needs and preventing (if that's even possible) undesirable symptoms. I've tried to stick solely to tube feeds, IV hydration, and only extremely low volumes of liquids. Quite literally, I was and am sick of playing it safe, to only feel discouraged and abnormal.
I wanted to feel at least semi-normal. I wanted to take a chance at seeking and maybe even achieving some non-sick normalcy, even if it meant that I would have to face some consequences. However, at the same time, I was well aware that I didn't want to risks stupidity or create any harm.
The thing is, I don't know what I am expecting or in search of. I know that there's a large spectrum of normalcy. Not everyone is the same. My normal is not the same as the next person's normal or the next. We all have our own "normal" which constantly evolves with time. Blah blah blah......
But what about when you look within yourself or at yourself from a different perspective and you no longer know what your normal is supposed to be like anymore? What about the times when you feel like a stranger in a stranger's body with a stranger's mindset? How is any of that normal? How do you accept your normalcy, whether it's desired or not, without completely retreating or withdrawing from yourself and others?
Because to be quite honest, I'm exhausted from trying to be normal in everyone else's eyes while also trying to make myself understand and accept that my current normal can be ok.
During my necessary "me" time....
I enjoyed bonding with our new kitten.
I attempted to journal and blog - both of which were unsuccessful.
After deaccessing my PORT, I took a couple of long relaxing hot baths.
I turned up the speaker volume and listened to my favorite songs.
For some reason, the above just didn't quench my thirst to feel "normal" enough. I have spent so much time trying to be extra mindful and careful of meeting my medical needs and preventing (if that's even possible) undesirable symptoms. I've tried to stick solely to tube feeds, IV hydration, and only extremely low volumes of liquids. Quite literally, I was and am sick of playing it safe, to only feel discouraged and abnormal.
I wanted to feel at least semi-normal. I wanted to take a chance at seeking and maybe even achieving some non-sick normalcy, even if it meant that I would have to face some consequences. However, at the same time, I was well aware that I didn't want to risks stupidity or create any harm.
The thing is, I don't know what I am expecting or in search of. I know that there's a large spectrum of normalcy. Not everyone is the same. My normal is not the same as the next person's normal or the next. We all have our own "normal" which constantly evolves with time. Blah blah blah......
But what about when you look within yourself or at yourself from a different perspective and you no longer know what your normal is supposed to be like anymore? What about the times when you feel like a stranger in a stranger's body with a stranger's mindset? How is any of that normal? How do you accept your normalcy, whether it's desired or not, without completely retreating or withdrawing from yourself and others?
Because to be quite honest, I'm exhausted from trying to be normal in everyone else's eyes while also trying to make myself understand and accept that my current normal can be ok.
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