Today I am challenging myself to take a moment and glimpse into the window of my soul. What will I see? I am not sure. Will it be easy? Most definitely not. Could it be worthwhile? Let's hope so.
So who am I?
On the surface
I'm a woman, mother, daughter, friend, sister, aunt, and wife.
I have blue eyes, brown hair, and try to keep a smile.
In the past
I was an athlete, sport enthusiast, and elementary teacher.
I taught from my heart with a desire to connect and make a difference.
I've had accomplishments, achievements, and disappointments.
Been surrounded by love, heartache, fears, and dreams.
Related to me for sure, but not completely indicative of who I am.
The truth of the matter is that I don't always know who I am.
My identity seems to have been compromised
by the illness that plagues and interferes.
I know that illness should not define me
Though it's impact on life is quite severe!
Hidden underneath I know I'm still here
I am still me!
A me that makes me look and live differently
But ultimately still me!
So who is that exactly?
I'm not sure that I can answer.
But maybe if I lay it out
I'll be able to soon rediscover.
I search for how to live with purpose, even more so now that I'm confused over what that could be.
I wonder if I can still make a difference, as that's always been one of my ambitions in life.
I hear the anguish and suffering from others trying to find relief, support, and medical teams.
I see the fears and concerns from my own kids and family.
I want to live with passion, help others, and not simply just exist.
I am me! Confused at times of what others want me to be.
I pretend to smile and laugh, even when I feel like screaming or crying.
I feel at times like an alien, lost and misunderstood with various foreign equipment attached.
I miss exciting adventures with my family, teaching, and even driving to places by myself.
I worry about the impact my illness has on my family, as I don't want to become a burden.
I cry internally as this is not the life that I envisioned.
I expected to be so much more than what I currently am.
Yet, I am me! Admittedly, at times it's very difficult for me to be simply JUST me.
I understand the importance of faith, courage, compassion, empathy, and perseverance.
I say that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually fall into place.
I dream of living with enthusiasm, creating loving memories with my family, and having fun without pain, nausea, or fatigue.
I try to be optimistic, to be appreciative, while also trying to accept the reality I live in.
I hope that others are able to truly SEE ME, the real me, even when I'm hidden from myself.
Yes, I am me! And that's not always a bad person to be.
I write in my blog for self-awareness, healing, and to let others know that they are not alone.
I sing along with current Christian music to lift my mood when I am down.
I admire my closest friends that I've met online, encouraged by their inspiring motivation.
I appreciate my healthcare team that I am so blessed to be surrounded by.
I love God, I love my children, and I love the rest of my family full heartedly.
I am me! And maybe, that's all that I'm expected to be!