Have you ever taken the time to step away from your body? Tried to discover yourself at a different angle? Determine what others see when they look at you? I don't mean just the outward appearance, but when they truly SEE YOU and everything you stand for? Have you ever wondered, why they choose to stay around? What do you even have to offer?
Today I am challenging myself to take a moment and glimpse into the window of my soul. What will I see? I am not sure. Will it be easy? Most definitely not. Could it be worthwhile? Let's hope so.
So who am I?
On the surface
I'm a woman, mother, daughter, friend, sister, aunt, and wife.
I have blue eyes, brown hair, and try to keep a smile.
In the past
I was an athlete, sport enthusiast, and elementary teacher.
I taught from my heart with a desire to connect and make a difference.
I've had accomplishments, achievements, and disappointments.
Been surrounded by love, heartache, fears, and dreams.
Related to me for sure, but not completely indicative of who I am.
The truth of the matter is that I don't always know who I am.
My identity seems to have been compromised
by the illness that plagues and interferes.
I know that illness should not define me
Though it's impact on life is quite severe!
Hidden underneath I know I'm still here
I am still me!
A me that makes me look and live differently
But ultimately still me!
So who is that exactly?
I'm not sure that I can answer.
But maybe if I lay it out
I'll be able to soon rediscover.
I search for how to live with purpose, even more so now that I'm confused over what that could be.
I wonder if I can still make a difference, as that's always been one of my ambitions in life.
I hear the anguish and suffering from others trying to find relief, support, and medical teams.
I see the fears and concerns from my own kids and family.
I want to live with passion, help others, and not simply just exist.
I am me! Confused at times of what others want me to be.
I pretend to smile and laugh, even when I feel like screaming or crying.
I feel at times like an alien, lost and misunderstood with various foreign equipment attached.
I miss exciting adventures with my family, teaching, and even driving to places by myself.
I worry about the impact my illness has on my family, as I don't want to become a burden.
I cry internally as this is not the life that I envisioned.
I expected to be so much more than what I currently am.
Yet, I am me! Admittedly, at times it's very difficult for me to be simply JUST me.
I understand the importance of faith, courage, compassion, empathy, and perseverance.
I say that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually fall into place.
I dream of living with enthusiasm, creating loving memories with my family, and having fun without pain, nausea, or fatigue.
I try to be optimistic, to be appreciative, while also trying to accept the reality I live in.
I hope that others are able to truly SEE ME, the real me, even when I'm hidden from myself.
Yes, I am me! And that's not always a bad person to be.
I write in my blog for self-awareness, healing, and to let others know that they are not alone.
I sing along with current Christian music to lift my mood when I am down.
I admire my closest friends that I've met online, encouraged by their inspiring motivation.
I appreciate my healthcare team that I am so blessed to be surrounded by.
I love God, I love my children, and I love the rest of my family full heartedly.
I am me! And maybe, that's all that I'm expected to be!
A proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate,
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