What do I envision my future to be like?
I can question my medical issues, trivialize, ignore, avoid, or tolerate them,
but that isn't all my life is meant to be about.
Life is much more complex than just my symptoms. Will I ever physically return to feeling good on most days? Will I ever be able to nourish my body with the nutrition and hydration that it needs on my own, without requiring the use of medical devices, lines, and pumps?
I don't know, possibly, but also likely not, but shouldn't that be okay?
Does it matter how I fuel my body, as long as it gets fueled?
Should I have to keep putting myself through torturous and painful attempts,
just to try and be more normal in the eyes of others?
It's such a tricky slope.
At times, I honestly want to stop everything for a break and to masquerade in normalcy,
if even only for a few moments.
Of course, it always seems to catch back up to me. The consequences I face can be harsh, physically and emotionally. BUT, at least during those moments it's from my choice and fault.
Sometimes, I put way too much effort at following doctor orders and trying to be an "ideal" patient, that I end up losing myself. I'm not saying that I shouldn't listen to or consider what my doctors say, but if it doesn't help or it if creates more pain and problems, then I have to figure out how to be REAL and concentrate on LIVING my life the best I can as ME. No one knows how it feels to live inside of my body better than me - so it's my duty to try my best to listen to what my body tells me.
I guess it's kind-of comparable to the automotive world.
I mean, for a vehicle to function properly and efficiently,
it has to have not only a charged battery, but also an alternator to help keep it running smoothly.
Have you ever payed attention at the various vehicles that surround you throughout each day?
Ever considered the story that they tell?
Some appear to be perfect with all the bells and whistles, but have only experienced the same predictable routes day after day to maintain their pristine image. Other cars appearing to be perfect, may actually run like crap, if they even crank up at all, simply because the owner failed to take care of the soul of the car. Instead, too much time, attention, and effort may have been placed on their visual appearance or internal mechanics were avoided or ignored.
On the other hand, there are some vehicles missing bumpers, with dents and dings on the outside. Maybe even spots of rust. The interior may have holes in the seat cushions or cracks in a window. Likely, many of the "extras" that are desirable, but not essential, may not be present, but the vehicle runs like a charm. The purpose of the vehicle is still successfully achieved in the eyes of the driver.
Then of course, there are some vehicles that are somewhere in the middle. They started out like every other vehicle, shiny and new with zero miles of experience. They function well for the most part, but may need more attention or support along the way. Maybe a tune up has been required more often than most, maybe some recalls requiring corrections, tires or other materials possibly replaced, a defective radio or aggravating imperfections ignored, an engine rebuilt, or so on. However, the SOUL of the vehicle is strengthened and treasured for the many memories that it has been a part of and for the positive experiences it has helped provide.
I envision myself as being in the "middle" category. My personal body being like a vehicle that is no where near perfect, requires more adjustments and tune-ups than I'd prefer, but also is full of valuable memories it's helped create along my journeys. Spills on the floor from unexpected mishaps, scratches on the exterior from bumps and accidents along the way, replacement parts for areas that experience malfunctions, and creative alterations to maximize performance. Memories of traveling with and visiting loved ones, special events like graduations, marriages, new babies, and vacations appreciated. A vehicle filled with sounds of singing, crying, laughter, worry, and yes even disagreements, but also the comfort of knowing that whatever the outside looks like, whatever negativity my body has experienced, that I have survived and remained true with all of the memorable history and all of my soul. My body, a vehicle that may not be the most dependable or beautiful one on the road, a vehicle that other's can't comprehend or understand how it functions, (including me at times), but a vehicle that keeps on traveling in search of more positive and memorable adventures with my family. A vehicle that maybe one day will discover the secrets behind how to make it work more effectively and reliably on the inside or, who knows, maybe one day my vehicle will be revitalized, better than ever anticipated.
Therefore, my current focus is not only on my outward appearance, but most importantly, on my overall functionability. Some days will be a bumpier ride than others, some much more daunting, but thankfully there will also be some days that I'm able to cruise along in the wind.