How is it possible to disappear or fade right before others' eyes, especially when I try to offer so much hope to others?
The past few weeks have been horrendous for me. Constant fatigue, abdominal pain, and nausea. Yet, I kept trying to help others see that we can fight together and help each other out. I urge and persuade others to join our fight daily and convince them to never give up - when I myself want to give up at times. Why is it so easy to give advice to others, offer comfort, and give a purpose for moving forward - when I am just like them, struggling to survive? Emotionally, I have been very torn lately. I love the members in my online support group, but have questioned rather or not I need to stay. I have considered leaving the groups, just to protect my own heart. It is heartbreaking to hear story after story about how Gastroparesis impacts their lives physically or emotionally with lack of support from their families, friends, and in some cases their medical team. It is devastating to hear of members dying as a result of complications from this disease or children that are suffering along with us. I feel their pain in the depths of my soul, as I too suffer with the day in and day out reality of GP. I feel so very fortunate to have a great support team of family, friends, and medical providers. Yet, even with the sadness I feel reading their stories - I am able to see a ray of hope. Why? Because the comments and stickers that follow are so genuine, positive, and encouraging. It's truly amazing! Even when we are having a difficult day, we are able to build someone else up. We are able to inspire each other, with the very words we need to hear ourselves. I don't understand why that happens, but it does. And the friendships formed as a result are amazing. There is no way to put into words how meaningful these friendships can become. Especially, when you are able to connect not only over Gastroparesis symptoms, but life in and of itself. There is no way possible that others dear to us can truly grasp what we are experiencing, so finding others who can relate, is a gold mine. So when it comes down to it - I have to take the risk of heartache and sadness, as these very people, these friends, are the ones able to catch me and hold me up when I am falling to pieces. These moments are the fuel to keep me fighting for all afflicted with Gastroparesis. My family is great, don't get me wrong, but there are times when I have to "pretend" or "hide" how I feel as to not upset them. I know they mean well, I truly do, but I feel so guilty when they are saddened because of me. I don't want them to worry about me, I will be alright, eventually. Some days are better than others, but I will survive and fight- mainly because of my kids and them. The sadness in their eyes and the tears shed on my account, are not what I want to see when I look at my kids, husband, or parents. I need them strong. I need them hopeful. Their strength lifts me up. So therefore, I too, have to portray strength and faith. So how am I disappearing in plain sight? The weak and broken me eventually disappears, if only for a short time, as I pretend to be strong and have it all together in my family's eyes. At the same time, hanging it all out to dry with my friends online as we share our stories and encourage each other, also helps the worn and torn me disappear into hiding for a while. From there the hopeful and powerful spirit in me emerges to continue this fight and continue advocating to help improve our physical health and well being. Gastroparesis will NOT win! We WILL make Gastroparesis disappear right before our eyes one day. Hopefully sooner than later.
2 Comments
5/21/2015 04:24:47 am
I hear you. Once you dedicate yourself to a cause it's easy to be torn between the perception of hopelessness (it's a cause; so the underdog by nature) and the purpose it gives to your life. I would suggest not checking in so much with the group rather than quitting it. What else can you do for yourself that will replenish you? I would advise meditation, but it might not be your cup of tea. Thanks for sharing.
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Trisha Bundy
6/11/2015 08:40:54 am
Thank you, Sheana! I have actually been taking your advice. I am staying in contact with my groups, checking in and out as I value the connection we have. No one understands me as well as the group members and I find gratification when I am able to help a fellow member. With the "extra" time, I have been trying to focus on what I need, "refind" myself and yes even trying a little mindfulness.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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