Today I am writing as the green candle burns in memory of 3, possibly 4, deaths in our GP community yesterday. The candle represents our sadness as we say goodbye, but also a reminder that their memory will remain always. I choose not to post every death in our group as it's just become too many, too soon, too young, and too sad. However, if it's someone that I was more familiar with either because of advocating or had become "friends" on FB, I share because it's more personal.
Each death I hear of, whether close or just an acquaintance, stings as it reminds me that no one is guaranteed tomorrow and it's a reminder of how many "friends" I have already lost. As a result, I have not been participating much in the support groups anymore. I visit the support groups less frequently. I admit, they are a great place to visit when you have an issue and you need to vent to someone that TRULY UNDERSTANDS what you're dealing with. They are also an excellent place to visit if you want to feel useful and actually help other people that are experiencing similar health journeys. Great friendships can be created because you're able to relate to so well. However, reading about others' struggles, feeling their pain along with your own, and wirtnessing so many that are literally starving or dying is sad and extremely difficult. You don't want others or yourself to feel isolated and alone, at least that is the case for me. At the same time, you don't want to become depressed, saddened, and possibly even sicker by seeing and hearing the same horrible news everyday either. It's scary to watch friends come and go (literally because of death). So what are you to do? What am I to do? Currently, I have decreased the time that I am in the support groups. In addition, I very rarely accept friend request from other GPers. It's not that I don't want to know them better or on a more personal level, that actually feels great. Instead I choose not to in order to help protect my own heart and emotions. I am so very thankful and have been blessed by discovering some phenomenal friends to help me along the way. These friends I will always treasure. These friendships I will never give up. But I'm definitely more reserved and cautious when forming new connections. Regardless of who dies in our community, it hurts. But being a name that I've seen around is not as painful as reading the name of someone that I had closer personal ties with, a friendship with. I've admittedly been distancing myself from others as I don't want to face losing more friends to this awful disease and complications that comes with it. I've lost too many new friends that I was close to all ready and don't want to face even more. Which is sad because there are some amazing people in the world that I would really like to form closer friendships with. But at this time I have to deny myself the joy of building new friendships with fellow GP warriors to prevent the pain of losing more friends and creating more heartbreak. Which brings me to the question of what do I do when my "friends" on FB pass away? To begin with, I "unfriended" some of them after they died - but that felt wrong and disrespectful. Therefore, for now I just let them stay on my "friend" list. Which is okay, but odd at the same time. Especially when past posts and their birthday reminders reappear.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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