During my darkest times, like the one described in my poem below, I try to rely on my faith, family, and friends. This poem was written from my aching heart and broken spirit, with the intention of emptying my fears and sadness on paper. I had no intention to share with anyone, but recognizing my need for emotional support, I shared it with a very dear friend. I was ashamed for anyone to see these thoughts, mostly because they were very intimate, but also because I didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable and hurt I am. I did not want to be judged. Reading the words from deep within my thoughts truly scared me and I didn't want anyone else, especially those I care most about, know how bad things were for me emotionally. I didn't want my family or friends to be worried at all about me. I was, and still am, worn and exhausted. Frustration has been building as all I want is to feel better, to be healthier. I am so thankful for having a compassionate friend that I can trust. Sharing this poem with her was the very best possible move on my part, as it opened up a heartfelt conversation which led to hope and renewed patience. My friend helped remind me that it's alright for me to feel a variety of emotions.
So why am I sharing this poem? I am sharing it to express how important it is to have a support team that loves you and cares about you, that's willing to be by your side, build you up when you down, and hold your hand when you are at your lowest points. I am sharing it in hopes that it will help someone else that's experiencing rough waters, seeing no relief in sight, and feeling like giving up. I am sharing it so you know that you are not alone!!! Faith, love, and patience will help your survive. Better days lie ahead, if you just hold on!
As you read my poem, I hope you are able to feel my personal anguish. Feel my pain. But more than that, I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing that the storm is calming. Life goes on - if we just hold on and NEVER truly GIVE UP! If we just put our trust in loved ones and GOD, we will survive!
Broken and lost, no longer recognize who I am
where am I going or even why to hang on.
Giving up hope don’t know why I keep trying,
nothing to offer when just barely surviving.
Pain when I eat, drink or even look in the mirror.
Hate what I’ve become why do I even matter?
I’m a failure regardless how hard I try
I want to feel better but relief just won’t arrive..
Thought I had finally figured out a way to heal
yet unmet expectations, only leave me disappointed
The surgery helped no denying about it.
Some improvements noted with other symptoms persisting.
So why do I keep hurting. why do I have to keep struggling?
Why does my intake keep creating harsh consequences.
I just don’t understand. I try to follow all dr orders.
but eating and drinking cause way too much discomfort.
Yes I miss food, I do want to be “normal”
yet impossible when relentless consequences keep coming.
Can’t help but think I could spare my family and self so much despair
If I just gave up, or found a way to quickly disappear.
I feel so alone, my GI no longer with answers
when I say that I’m struggling to receive basic nutrition.
MY PAIN IS REAL! The nausea and heaving disheartening,
I envisioned it disappearing, but still here it’s remaining.
I’ve tried to overcome fears, advocating for self and others.
But how can I now when I can’t even help myself, I just suffer?
My heart aches with sadness when told I’m an inspiration
Because my strength has become weak, leaving me completely defeated.
So I’ll give up my PICC line, Tube too if they want
And wither away silently, my ambition already lost.
My future’s uncertain, how can things ever change
when I’m frustrated, exhausted, and purpose vanished?
My spirit’s now broken, empty, no longer give a damn.
No longer have the energy to keep fighting, just to live like I am.