I admit there are times that I have felt like giving up. Some more serious than others. Sometimes I've wanted to quit physically, sometimes emotionally, sometimes I have wanted to quit the whole damn situation.
Sometimes, I simply want to give up on my search for improvements. I want to give up trying to explain or figure out a way to feel better. I want to give up playing with trial and error treatments and medications. I want to give up rolling around a damn pole or carrying formula around on my back. I want to give up playing the wait and see game. I want to GIVE UP because of these freaking painful and relentless symptoms that haunt me day after day. I want to give up because I'm frustrated from trying to help my body with needed nutrition, only for it to lead to a flare of sickening and intensifying symptoms.
I feel like giving up because I feel selfish for trying so hard to feel better, when my sole focus should be on my kids. I feel like giving up because I'm tired of pretending to be strong. I feel like giving up because I fail at finding the right words to adequately describe how I feel. Sometimes, I want to give up instead of trying to connect with others.
I want to give up because my health can make me so undependable and unpredictable. I want to give up because it can make me feel useless. I feel like giving up when I am forced to passively watch life's moments pass by. I feel like giving up when I continuously have to battle ridiculous fatigue for attempting to participate in life. I feel like giving up when tears start flowing due to feeling broken, like today. Feeling numb and dazed can make me feel like giving up as well.
Hell, I want to give up for having the idea of wanting to give up. I want to give up because I can't seem to be me, even if I'm not sure who I'm suppose to be anymore. Giving up sounds so easy, but damn, it adds fuel to the next fire!! It makes me ANGRY after I feel like giving up. Angry, ashamed, and disappointed with myself for letting it cross my mind, even if only for a brief moment.
When I speak of giving up, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm giving up on actual life itself. It may be giving up for a particular moment in time and then eventually reverting back to a more optimistic or more productive outlook.
The key is that I may FEEL like giving up sometimes, but I DON'T GIVE UP. I CAN'T GIVE UP! I have too much to live for, to strive for, and owe it to God and my kids to keep giving my all, regardless what obstacles I face.
Guess that's why I absolutely love Shawn's message and his lyrics.......
"Keep telling me that it gets better. Does it ever? Help me. It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough."
"Sometimes I just feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood. It isn't in my blood."