I am bewildered at how I can experience so much pride and joy, while also feeling like my body is going to completely collapse from nausea, pain, and fatigue. Let me explain..
This year has been an awful year for my health, even though I had high hopes in Dec that this would be the year my health improved and turned around, finally! So far not the case. Yesterday, was a very important, worthwhile, and valued day for my family, my students, and me. I have not been in the classroom, or even been able to visit my fifth graders since late Oct. Though I was already feeling drained and nauseous, I was also eager to surprise them with a visit. I slowly (because that's how my body works now) made it to the back hall of the school, stopping before I entered to lean against the wall and catch my breath. I had 3 classes to visit, all right there together. I didn't know what to expect from the students, it had been so long since I had seen them. However, the reactions of my Homeroom floored me, the other 2 classes very similar. They were so excited and hurriedly came to flood me with hugs. After all the hugs were given (which meant the world to me), I talked with them for a few minutes, all 3 classes, sharing with them how beautiful and handsome they looked, how I was sorry for only physically being their teacher for a short period of time this year, but how my thoughts had been with them all year long. I shared how bad I had really wanted to improve and return, but just didn't happen that way. I went on to share how very proud I was of them, how their teachers had been keeping me up to date, as well as my daughter (as she was one of their classmates), and how blessed we were with Mrs. Kyle being able to continue being their substitute all year long. After visiting all 3 classes, I slowly made my way up to the front of the building. I honestly thought and believed I was going to collapse before getting there, but kept fighting forward. My mom was not pleased by the way I looked at all, and though I tried standing and waiting, alongside the other parents, she insisted I sit down until we were able to progress to the auditorium for the 5th grade promotion ceremony. It seemed like hours, though only minutes. I was so exhausted, but tried to put on my strong "have-it-together" composure, and made it to the auditorium. As we were sitting there it was evident how weak and awful I was feeling. My husband, whom had chosen to sit in the back of the auditorium (easy access out to leave) even came to check on me as he could tell I wasn't doing to well. (My mom and I were sitting up front for better pics). We had about 20 mins before the program began, my nausea just continued increasing to the point I felt like I was going to begin heaving, my energy was to the point that I was slooped in my chair in an effort to provide a place to rest my head. The ceremony was great! My daughter made me so very proud, receiving numerous awards for all of her hard work, dedication, and effort this year - even with all of the challenges at home due to my illness and her tearful heartaches from me not being there to be her teacher this year. My pride was at it's highest, though my physical turmoil was becoming unbearable. After returning home, I was able to take in the days' events. Thinking about the ceremony, thinking about the visit. I tried to consider if I had been genuine. Thought about the comments that were made to me by the students, other staff members, and parents. For the most part, the questions were fairly simple and routine, with a simple "I'm hanging in", "I'm happy to be here", "Thank you for your prayers", "I'm so proud of your child" offered as my response. However, the comments-especially from the students- just resonated within me, most of which I chose not to follow with a comment - as I was trying my best to stay positive. Many students and a few parents commented on how different I looked, how I didn't look like myself, and how much weight I have lost. A few years ago these comments would have been welcomed and greatly appreciated, yet now, they are a reminder of my horrendous health journey with an invisible illness that no-one seems to understand. But my day did not end here, it continued on to my daughter's final softball game of the season. I could not let her down, regardless of how bad I felt! I had to pull it together and be there for her. The game was a good one, concentration a bit difficult for me, dizzy spells and heavy eyes interfering for me, but I was there. And that in itself was extremely important. I was unbalanced when it was time to stand up and return to our car, but my chair offered a "cane-like" presence and other cars were great at keeping me upright. I made it to the car successfully and was able to offer my daughter encouragement and celebratory comments. Finally, we were able to return home. A Shower, that I had to sit down and regain energy for prior to. Then bedtime after hugs. No way could I keep my body up, even for just a few minutes. I was a wobbly mess to reckon with. Drifted off to sleep immediately. After a great night of sleep, I woke up mentally refreshed possibly, but symptoms galore. My body literally felt like it had been run over by a train. All of my muscles hurt so bad, nausea intense, and no energy whatsoever. Multiple times I had to stop and save this article, just so I could get some rest and return to writing later. My body is depleted and will need time to recoup. A hot bath was attempted and even relaxing at the moment, but unfortunately was a let down in the long run. As my muscles, lack of energy, and GP symptoms continued. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely!!! Without a doubt. Yesterday was very special in so many ways and emotionally needed. As a teacher, it was great seeing my students and adding closure to this school year. As a mother, I was able to participate in watching my little girl, become a beautiful young lady, walking out of elementary school to begin a new journey through middle school. I was also able to witness her final game this season. Days like this, memories being made with the kids, are what keep me going. This was a day full of pride and worthy of all my energy. Rating on 1-10 scale? 10 for Values of Family and Teaching- Very Special & Memorable day! 2 for Physical Health (As the day progressed, I continued to get weaker and feel worse, no matter how much enjoyment I was finding. I pushed my body to the point of nearly passing out/collapsing, not only once but a couple of times. I didn't care how I was being physically impacted at all - I was all about meeting my other values regardless of the consequences.)
1 Comment
We both taught 5th grade Trisha (5th 6th 7th ), I apparently did not go as gracefully as you! I can again so relate to so many of the sentiments you are sharing! I am so proud to be walking this journey with you and wish I could send you bags upon bags of healing energy! Prayerful praise for a day well done Trisha!
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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