Deep slow breaths, in through my nose, out through my lips.
In --- and ---- out... In--- and ----out - as I prepare myself for the dreaded but necessary trip to the grocery store. I look over the list of items that I need to purchase. Meal options for the next 7 days have been planned out in advance so we have everything we need for the upcoming week. Since I'm unsure of what each day holds, I've selected a variety of meals, the majority of which are simple enough that the kids can handle it without my help or with only verbal assistance. I've taken the time to rewrite and categorize the items on my list, so they are basically in the order that we will get to them as we shop. This outing, like all of my other outings, are too much to handle on my own. My energy and stamina limited and unpredictable, changing in a moment's notice. This is an errand that Diamond , and sometimes Carmen, assist me with. We've learned by trial and error that grocery shopping first thing Friday or Saturday morning, 8-9ish, is the best on my body. It's not busy, in fact the store is basically empty of customers at this time. As I ride along in the passenger seat of the car, I look out of the windows contemplating what I will choose to do today. Will I challenge my body and walk the store? Will I listen to my body and drive the motorized scooter? Will I decide to protect my physical needs or safeguard my mental perspective? In my mind I flip back and forth, back and forth, unsure of what's in my best interests. Hmmmm!!! Which side is most essential for me today? I can easily ramble off the positives and negatives for each selection - some sensible, reasonable, and logical, others possibly insignificant, but all profound just the same. Experience has shown me that when I'm stubborn and decide to walk, I regret the decision a few minutes later. Pride keeps me moving regardless of how weak or lightheaded I feel. I will continue to push forward and face the consequences at the present time and for the following days as well. Headaches, wrinkled fingers, blurry vision, unsteadiness, internal shivers, and fatigue are just a few symptoms that often present themselves. Luckily I have IV fluids awaiting me when I return home. (Another reason I have selected Fri or Sat to go to the grocery store.) My family often gets annoyed with me when I choose this option, 1) because of the visible signs they witness and 2) because of the time and struggle it takes to recover. I on the other hand feel pride for sticking it out and being more "normal" at least for an hour or so, but left feeling disappointed and irritated when I realize that nothing has changed, that my body isn't better, and the physical price I have to repay. Utilizing the electric scooter for the time I'm at the grocery store is undoubtedly the wiser option to meet my physical needs. It makes my daughters worry less, it makes us all feel like I'm "safer" , it protects my limited energy and strength, and lessens the amount of time and degree of exhaustion that I will have to endure when I return home. BUT it requires me to face the fact that I'm sick! It's just another example of how I have lost my independence. It's a reminder that my body is weaker and more fragile than the elderly that are able to run circles around me. While riding the scooter makes me feel better physically, prevents the severity of symptoms that follow the outing, and decreases the amount of time that it actually takes to complete the grocery trip, it hurts my spirit. Emotionally, it makes me feel inadequate, makes me look lazy, makes me question my need, makes me consider what others are thinking and/or saying. I know that it shouldn't. I understand that the reason they have the scooters in the first place is for people that need to use them. I'm aware that others don't know what my body has been and continues to go through - just as I don't know their personal story or what they are actually thinking (if they even are) about me. I know that I can't control others' opinions and that what they think doesn't necessarily dictate the truth of the matter. BUT admitting that I need help once again, that my body can't handle something else once again, that tools and/or machines are required for me to function ONCE AGAIN is disheartening. What am I becoming? As we approach our nearby Food Lion, my mind ponders about why I am so determined to go grocery shopping in the first place? What is my ultimate goal? I remind myself that I want to feel needed. I need to fulfill my desire to be a productive member of my family. Grocery shopping gives me a pertinent reason to get out of the house and helps me feel more successful as a mother. If I actually go shopping, I can ensure that my family has something at least semi-healthy to eat during the week. Why do I elect to choose the dreaded grocery shopping as my weekly "chore" anyway? Isn't there something else that I could do to satisfy my thirst for a "normal" life? Something that I might even enjoy or that may be less draining on my body. If so, I have no idea of what that could possibly be. Grocery shopping is necessary and can not be avoided or postponed but for so long. I reassure myself that it is "normal" to do things that you dislike or hate to meet the needs of those you care the most about. It's "normal" for mothers to make compromises for their children. Apprehensively, I trudge toward the storefront's door. What will my fate be today? Closing my eyes I stop to take a breath and slowly breathe.. in ------ and ----- out in ------ and ----- out If only for a slight moment, I finally feel like a "normal" mom, completing a "normal" task, with a "normal" annoyance.... Gradually I reopen my eyes to my reality and the choices I have before me. Which part of me will be victorious today? Will I successfully accept my body's physical needs, listen to my family's concerned pleas, and ultimately ignore all of my self-doubts and fears? Or, will I stubbornly tread through the seemingly endless grocery store aisles in an effort to demand some independence for myself? The decision may appear trivial or petty to many, but when your life has been turned upside down from illness, when everything seems to be spiraling out of your control, it's only natural to grasp on to whatever control you can have, no matter how small or minuscule the issue or task may be.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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