Today I sit contemplating, which path is the right path? Do I struggle to fight and live with harsh consequences following? Do I try and listen to my body, missing out on living life? Is there a balance that can be found between the two? If so, where is that balance? I just don't know anymore! Gastroparesis has been kicking me all around physically and emotionally. I try to do what is right for my family, which may or may not include what is best for me. 1) I enjoy my daughter's softball games, making sure I'm there each time. Though sometimes extremely uncomfortable from pain, nausea, fatigue. I try to hide how I feel at these games as much as possible. However, this past game that wasn't the case. I literally felt like I was going to pass out, not from heat, likely from dehydration. I thought I had it under control, made it to the bathroom for a cold wet papertowel and heaving, to return and cheer her own. It was an amazing game, probably the best of the season. However, when the game was over she didn't want to talk about how well the team or she did. She didn't want to talk about winning 14-5. She didn't want to talk about the big plays she made at first, her powerful hitting, or her amazing pitching during the last inning. She wanted to talk about me. She was worried and concerned about me. I felt so guilty. I had failed at hiding how I felt. (Unfortunately, failing at hiding feelings from family a lot lately.) She was supposed to be super excited about the game, yet I was stealing that emotion away from her, causing heartache instead. Why? Why could I not hide it better. Why could she not see how much pride I had for her and how she played? Why could she not see the joy I have when watching her play? Why does my illness have to impact her, and the rest of my family's joy? 2) School ends this week for my kids - hooray!! I am looking forward to spending more time with them at home. I don't know how often I will go swimming with them, if at all. Which saddens me, since I LOVE swimming. The sun and heat just don't seem to agree with my body needs. Hopefully, I can make it out there on a cloudy day or later in the evening. We'll see. Once again, I will be left torn. Do I push myself at the expense of becoming sick or having to cut their swimming short? Or stay at home so they can play and have fun until they are worn out? 3) Vacations. A vacation is already planned for my husband and kids. They are going camping for a few nights with trips to the amusement park. I knew better than to attempt this trip, though I LOVE CAMPING (haven't been in years). I knew that I wouldn't be comfortable and that an amusement park is too much for me to handle right now. The kids and my husband understand that as well. Still it hurts, I won't deny. I really want to be there. I want to enjoy time with them and create these fun and exciting memories. Instead, I am left at home alone. It's saddening, but the best choice for all involved. 4) Bedtimes have become early in my house. Many nights I am in bed before the kids, usually quite early. I try to compromise with my youngest daughter, as she seems to be the most impacted. I try to make sure that I watch one, sometimes two, episodes of Full House with her each night as we cuddle on the couch. Unfortunately, there are a few days that I have let her down. It was evident, as sadness spilled through her eyes, but never does she complain. Last night, I didn't think I would be able to make it. To her surprise, after my bedtime routine, I returned. She was so delighted, her eyes lit up with a spark of happiness. 5) Attending movies is another event that I must decline, most of the time. I have tried a few times, when having a decent day, but got caught with intense nausea or pain, stuck with no comfort to be found. Instead, I choose to stay home. My youngest sometimes decides to stay home as well, which hurts me, but also touches my heart. The last time she stayed home, we played UNO and other card games - which actually ended up being some nice quality time together. Now if I could just find more quality time activities to participate in with my kids. Does Gastroparesis or other chronic illnesses impact your quality of life? How do you decide which path is the best?
2 Comments
Lord, how heart wrenching is this post Trisha! And so familiar in my heart! I have walked similar steps. We are not on the same path but similar. This may sound very simplistic and easy? It is not! I chose, and it took so long to get here, to do what I could, as I could, and cherish every moment! I too put on that brave front for years. I tried to achieve a "front of okay" then "melt" as soon,as it was possible for me to do so! You are teaching your children how to be an over comer even through the pain. I think this our balance our choice! To grab all our moments .. One at a time.
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Trisha
6/8/2015 03:50:09 am
Thank you, Deb. It's so hard sometimes. I just pray that my kids see how much I truly love and value them and that they too will cherish our memories, no matter how simplistic some of them are.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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