A "Me" weekend may be exactly what my body, mind, and soul needed. Initially, I was upset about having to stay behind while my family went on a fun-filled vacation. It was a difficult decision, but with the state I'm in health-wise, it was the only reasonable decision. I would have loved nothing more than to have been healthy enough to spend quality time with them on their trip, but it was just not possible this time.
Instead of being sad, feeling down, or guilty I decided to use the time to listen to my inner spirit. I took a vacation of my own, right here in the comfort of my house. To start the homebound journey off in high spirits, I joined some of my online friends on a Fantasy Cruise. With superpowers, positivity, no illnesses, and no worries we set sail on a grand adventure full of silliness and laughter where all dreams could come true and everything was possible! We learned more about each other, outside of the Gastroparesis realm. This creative adventure was a fantastic reminder that we are more than our disease, much more. Saturday was a "ME" day! Determined to rediscover my optimism and rebuild my inner strength, I relaxed. I allowed myself to be "sick". I didn't have to pretend to feel better than I was. I didn't have to portray strength, patience, or calmness. I could be exactly however I felt, as I didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to fight to hold myself together, didn't have to consider how my actions would impact my family's plans, didn't have to worry about anyone - not even myself. I was allowed time to be emotional if needed, whether it be anger, frustration, sadness, silly, etc. It didn't matter! I didn't have to "suck it up" or "try harder". I was on vacation from being the "Best Me Possible". I was free to just be! So how did it all work out? There were ups and downs. My plan was not perfect, but that's okay. I played my favorite music, mostly contemporary Christian, wide open - even singing outloud at times. Don't laugh, or do, it's ok because no one had to hear my singing voice. Ha! I played around on the computer a little. Spent time writing, hence this blog. I was brave enough to attempt increasing oral intake, specifically some Italian Ice, Frozen Mocha, and even a little Chicken Broth. Unfortunately, none settled on my stomach at all. Luckily, I was able to drain the Ice and Mocha rather effortlessly from my G tube to find relief. The chicken broth made me truly sick, lying on the kitchen floor with pain, nausea, and near blacking out. But it was worth it!! And since I was on my "vacation" I could moan, cry, complain all I wanted. Or just lay in silence! It was completely up to me. I didn't have to consider how others would feel or respond. I didn't have to worry about who would see me crouched on the floor or what they would think or say. Eventually it passed and I was able to return to the living room with lesson learned - NO MORE SOUP BROTH! My nights were sleepless, my body was tortuous, BUT I SURVIVED! I didn't hold back my anguish but I also didn't lose my mindset. I had no need to think about how I was feeling, or how it was impacting my life, as I was able to just experience the moment (no matter how rough) and then keep moving on to the next moment - which eventually was more pleasant. Without planning in advance, I was even able to get out of the house for a few minutes with my mom on Friday just to grab some ice and talk, then with my dad on Sat. I enjoyed our time talking and when my discomfort and exhaustion began settling in, they brought me back home. I didn't have to ask them or explain the situation to them. I wasn't upset, it was just another moment in life. MY Life! I was able to enjoy our time together, why bother with being upset about the quanity of time, I was blessed to have had some quality time together? If by some chance I had been upset or mad with my body, it would have been totally alright!! So the question is why can't I live in this carefree state more often? Why am I always so critical of myself? Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than life itself. I love my husband and love my kids, want to vacation with them, want to experience life with them day after day, and miss them greatly when they are away. It's just that I love them so much that I spend so much energy trying to "be better" or "appear better." I spend energy that I don't always have just to "be present" during the time they are around, energy spent "acting" like everything is okay or going to be okay. Energy spent trying to decide if attempting to eat or drink something, will create a shadow on their day or impede their plans. Sometimes I think I spend too much time being the "me" that my family needs and expects, the me that I envision, the "me" that doesn't disappoint, and the "me" that is in control that I forget how to just be ME!
4 Comments
I love this writing Trisha! I believe doing things like you just described? They are the keys to keeping our spirits, faith, emotional well-being high or full! Then we deal with our physical challenges better. In fact, I think our spiritual faith walk contributes to our healing. I know all won't agree with me, but I truly believe it to be true! Thank you for sharing, fighting, & advocating my friend! With love & prayers!
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Trish
4/7/2016 05:22:44 pm
Thank you Deb! I completely agree that having strong faith, along with a surrounding ourselves with supportive family & friends, are key in maintaining a positive outlook and hopefully healing. I appreciate your comment, encouragement, and friendship!
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Shannon
4/5/2016 04:47:22 pm
The last paragraph of this post really struck home to me. I feel the exact same way. Always pretending to be ok when I am sick and weak. I don't want my children to be burdened, so I hide it all away.
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Trish
4/7/2016 05:30:09 pm
Shannon, I am sorry that you are able to relate to my blog, but am so thankful that you read it and left a message. Finding the best balance for family and self can be very difficult. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. We just have to do the best we can under the circumstances, which may change depending on the day.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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