Look at the outer me, 
really look! 
Do I look fine, to you?
In some ways I am fine,
but not fine as well.

Moving around the house,
tube feeds for nutrition,
IV hydration, 
Couple sips or spoonfuls here or there.
So yes I may be fine,
​But not fine as well.

Do you see what's beneath the cover,
what's in my soul,
the scars upon my body,
physically and deep within?
Yes, I may be fine,
But not fine as well.

Have you experienced my pain, 
my nausea, or constant fatigue?​
Silently trying to avoid outsiders
from seeing my inner struggles.
Yes, I may appear fine,
But not fine as well. 

Have you ever given up, 
not wanting to bother talking to a doctor?
Already knowing there's no relief to be found,
no new way to describe or explain.
Yes, I may act fine,
But, I'm not fine as well.

So when you see me
smiling, laughing, joking, loving
Know that I'm also
crying, struggling, pretending, trying.
As sometimes I may be fine,
​But, also not fine as well. 


​
​

Giving my all,
trying to find peace and grace within myself,
searching for a better sense of my identity,
striving to portray myself authentically
while being true to my desires for life. 

Giving my all, 
discovering ways to feel useful,
pursuing ways to grow spiritually, 
using experiences to strengthen relationships,
while hopefully providing comfort and support to others.

Giving my all, 
seeking ways to physically feel better,
scrutinizing possible reasons for recent deterioration,
reaching out for medical help despite reservations, 
while attempting to trust all medical advice given.

Giving my all, 
writhing from unexplanable relentless pain,
shivering and shaking from unyielding chills,
crying out for something, anything, to make it stop,
while praying that answers and relief would soon come.

Giving my all,
soliciting answers for the cause of my symptoms,
patiently suffering in agonizing pain,
heaving and vomiting with head pounding,
while no one seemed to have a solution.

Giving my all, 
confiding health concerns with my primary,
wishing he could offer much needed assistance,
graciously accepting his opinions and suggestions,
while struggling to keep myself together without complaining.

Giving my all,
requesting records and cultures from an ED visit,
making every effort possible to get copies to my primary,
venturing out to get my hand on the actual results,
while frustrated over the ED's lack of concern. 

Giving my all,
secretly hiding my fears from family,
relying on my primary to finally find some relief,
following his orders to visit yet another ED,
while completely feeling drained and depleted.

Giving my all, 
preparing best as possible for a hospital admission,
talking with my respected and reliable confidant,
gaining control of my emotions and angst,
while knowing I was about to be under the care of unfamiliar doctors.

Giving my all,
surrendering myself to their needles and tactics,
relinquishing control to them and their treatments,
repeating my health story again and again,
while gaining confidence that the worst was finally going to be over.

Giving my all,
appreciating the doctors and nurses willing to help, 
acknowledging the blessing my primary has been,
recognizing the importance of reaching out for his support,
while gladly welcoming an end to my bacteremia chaos.

---------------------------
Not sure what I would have done if it had not been for my primary stepping in and guiding me in the right direction. I knew something was not right with my body, feared that it could be an infection in my PORT or bloodstream, but couldn't get any answers or relief. After three separate ED visits, all within a couple of days span, I felt like I must be going crazy. I started doubting how much longer I could handle or deal with these horrifying symptoms. However, my primary communicated with me, believed my agony, knew that I typically avoid emergency departments at all costs, agreed something was definitely going on, predicted it could possibly be a bacteremia infection, remained persistent on seeing actual culture results himself, discovered I had klebsiella  pneumonea infection in my PORT and bloodstream from the most recent ED visit's cultures, informed and prepared his ED team of doctors for my arrival, and ultimately ended this tormenting experience. My PORT had to be removed, a PICC line placed, and IV antibiotics for days during my hospitalization, but, I was so thankful! The medical team that took care of me was great and a new sense of comfort was discovered. Now I am aware that I do indeed have a primary that I can depend on. 

Moral of this experience:
Trust your body! You know yourself better than anyone else. You shouldn't be afraid to reach out to your doctors in times of need. If you are not improving, don't try to sit back and ignore. Listen to what your body is saying and take action. It can literally be the difference between life and death sometimes. Luckily, the infection I had was treatable and not resistant to antibiotics. If it had continued to go untreated, it would have likely increased in severity, leading to possible sepsis. Sepsis can lead to organ failure and even death. A reminder of just how important and essential it is to have a doctor that you can trust and communicate with. Having a doctor that's invested in what's in your best interests is a valuable asset never to be taken for granted.

​

With admiration and appreciation, I thank all of the phenomenal doctors that have been a part of my medical team. Inpatient or outpatient, doctors in all areas and specialties have the ability to make a lasting difference and impression in my life as a patient. The experiences that I've had, good and bad, have made me more aware of what I expect, need, desire, and appreciate from my medical providers.

​Today, I want to personally and publically thank some of the most incredible doctors that I have worked with along my medical journey. Even though I would like to share their actual names, respecting their privacy is more important.

​Dear Dr Spectacular,

Thank you for being my doctor
​Over the years, you've learned who I am.
My health journey has been better, with you being a part of it.
​I appreciate your trust and perseverance.
​Through your actions and encouragement, you've kept me from giving up.

Thank you for being by my side,
​Calling me out, when you knew I was downplaying my situation or symptoms.
​Thank you for choosing to listen with caring and compassionate attentiveness,
​For questioning me and having open dialogue to gain more clarity,
For communicating with my family and other medical providers when necessary.

Thank you for being REAL, empathetic, cautious and never intimidating,
For your honesty and for the mutual respect we've shared.
​Thank you for helping me to remain optimistic, especially when my health is most challenging,
​And for your willingness to keep searching for the most effective treatment plan.
​
Thank you for taking time during our appointments, never making me feel rushed,
​And for seeing me as a person, not just as a patient case.
Thank you for always being prepared, with alternate back up plans available and ready.
​Thank you for understanding ME, remembering previous encounters, & not just following my chart.

Thank you for encouraging me to communicate between appointments,
​And for quickly responding to my updates and questions, even if I was unsure about sharing. 
Thank you for taking me seriously, not writing me off or blaming me when an easy solution was nowhere to be found.
​Thank you for ensuring that I've always felt safe, respected, and heard when under your care.
​
Thank you for taking the risks to invest your time and attention to my health needs,
For tolerating my silence, shortcomings, and attempts to avoid "bothering" you.
​Thank you for the countless times you've reassured me that I was never a bother,
For your confidence, kindness, knowledge, curiosity, and eagerness to assist me.
Thank you for having the ability to see through me to the reality of my health's impact on daily life.

​With the utmost gratitude, I express my appreciation for you.
​I thank you for the positive impact you have made in my life,
​For always being patient with me, while also looking out for my best interests.
We may not have all of the answers or solutions, but
I thank you immensely for the improvements we have accomplished.

Thank you for being a spectacular doctor!

Desperately needing a vacation from myself
I have no more patience to spare
I'm losing sight of who I am
​Pain, Sickness, Emotions becoming too much to bear.

A haze quickly descends to surround me
​The cold harsh reality stings.
Settling fog makes it harder and harder to see
​While sickness and doubts effortlessly cling.

Confusion trickles down my spine
​as I search for my reprieve.
​Nausea and pain overcome me
​Tears, visible and hidden, shed as I grieve.

​My body holds me prisoner
​Chains and shackles holding me back.
​Enclosed by walls of burden
Praying my stability doesn't completely crack.
​
I try not to be resentful
​I attempt to handle it in stride.
​I know that God's right beside me
Willing and ready to be my guide.

​He has His purpose, that I know
​And believe it with all of my heart.
​He never promised it would be easy
But I never imagined that it would be this hard.

Have you ever taken the time to step away from your body? Tried to discover yourself at a different angle? Determine what others see when they look at you? I don't mean just the outward appearance, but when they truly SEE YOU and everything you stand for? Have you ever wondered, why they choose to stay around? What do you even have to offer?

Today I am challenging myself to take a moment and glimpse into the window of my soul. What will I see? I am not sure. Will it be easy? Most definitely not. Could it be worthwhile? Let's hope so.

​So who am I?

​On the surface
I'm a woman, mother, daughter, friend, sister, aunt, and wife.
​I have blue eyes, brown hair, and try to keep a smile.

In the past
​I was an athlete, sport enthusiast, and elementary teacher.
​I taught from my heart with a desire to connect and make a difference.

​I've had accomplishments, achievements, and disappointments.
​Been surrounded by love, heartache, fears, and dreams.
​Related to me for sure, but not completely indicative of who I am.

The truth of the matter is that I don't always know who I am.
​My identity seems to have been compromised
by the illness that plagues and interferes.

I know that illness should not define me
​Though it's impact on life is quite severe!

​Hidden underneath I know I'm still here
​I am still me!
​A me that makes me look and live differently
But ultimately still me!

So who is that exactly?
I'm not sure that I can answer.
​But maybe if I lay it out
​I'll be able to soon rediscover.

I search for how to live with purpose, even more so now that I'm confused over what that could be.
I wonder if I can still make a difference, as that's always been one of my ambitions in life.
I hear the anguish and suffering from others trying to find relief, support, and medical teams.
I see the fears and concerns from my own kids and family.
I want to live with passion, help others, and not simply just exist.
I am me! Confused at times of what others want me to be.

I pretend to smile and laugh, even when I feel like screaming or crying.
I feel at times like an alien, lost and misunderstood with various foreign equipment attached.
I miss exciting adventures with my family, teaching, and even driving to places by myself.
I worry about the impact my illness has on my family, as I don't want to become a burden.
I cry internally as this is not the life that I envisioned.
I expected to be so much more than what I currently am.
Yet, I am me! Admittedly, at times it's very difficult for me to be simply JUST me.

I understand the importance of faith, courage, compassion, empathy, and perseverance.
I say that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually fall into place.
I dream of living with enthusiasm, creating loving memories with my family, and having fun without pain, nausea, or fatigue.
I try to be optimistic, to be appreciative, while also trying to accept the reality I live in.
I hope that others are able to truly SEE ME, the real me, even when I'm hidden from myself.
Yes, I am me! And that's not always a bad person to be.

​I write in my blog for self-awareness, healing, and to let others know that they are not alone.
I sing along with current Christian music to lift my mood when I am down.
I admire my closest friends that I've met online, encouraged by their inspiring motivation.
I appreciate my healthcare team that I am so blessed to be surrounded by.
​I love God, I love my children, and I love the rest of my family full heartedly.

​I am me! And maybe, that's all that I'm expected to be!

Tonight I sit alone,
​Alone on the couch with my computer in my lap
And loyal dog by my feet.
​Lost in my thoughts
​Contemplating the vision that's before me.

​This weekend overall
​has been a very quiet one.
​Lots of "me" time to think
while my family went on vacation
once again without me.

I had been looking forward to this trip
with my brother and his family.
​A chance to see the kids laugh and play
​priceless treasured memories created.

​Unfortunately, once again
my health decided to fail me.
Preventing me from attending
​Leaving me here to cope
​alone to wish, dream, and possibly heal.

​Vacations have become difficult for me
never knowing how to plan,
​when to stay and when to go.
​Part of me is torn each and every time
regardless of which path I decide.

​This time I stayed home
as my strength has been so obsolete,
my new PORT still extremely sore,
​and barely enough energy just to sit.

Did I make the best decision?
That I am not quite sure.
Physically I did what we felt was wise and safe
​Emotionally left feeling as an outcast.

​I've tried to fill the empty space
with reading, resting, writing
​even Lifetime movies.
​But it's just not the same
as quality time with my kids
and loved ones.

I see the pictures
which mostly make me smile with pride,
​but also remind me of all that I'm missing.
​Experiences that bring them joy and happiness
With me nowhere to be found.

My kids keep me updated
text and messaging throughout the day.
Content with happiness from most
but undoubtedly I'm hiding tears of guilt as well.

How do I answer some of their questions
For this I am lost.
​I no longer know how to respond
​to all that they say and post.

​"How are you feeling?
Are you doing okay?
​I'm worried, and scared.
​I don't won't you to die!"

​I don't know how to handle these,
Do I tell them the truth?
​Try to protect them from worrying?
​When they already know how I feel
from the sound of my voice
​or the expression I unknowingly portray on my face.

​How do I successfully comfort them
​when I'm full of uncertainty myself?
​How do I make them believe me
when I say everything will be okay?

​When once again
 they keep having to say they miss me
​because once again,
​at home, I stay!
​

Am I enough?

Enough as a mother, wife, daughter, or friend?
Am I enough being just me?
How can I be when I'm stuck at home,
miserable, sick, and so fatigued?

I try to be here and give my all
Even when I have no energy to spare.
But fun experiences come at a cost,
The fatigue & pain become harder to bare.

I love my family more than life itself
I'd give anything for their happiness, you see
Which makes me wonder if simply leaving
Would decrease all the sadness created by me.

I know that leaving would not be easy,
More difficult for me by far.
Yet loneliness and countlessly disappointing
Welcomes the idea of escaping in a blazing star.

It’s true, avoidance is not the answer
Running away, no problems are solved.
However, witnessing life’s events pass by without me
Reiterates how much I miss simply being involved.

So, Am I enough?
Enough as a mother, wife, daughter, and friend?
Am I enough being just me?
The response I’m not sure I can honestly comprehend.

© 2016  Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Days like today I can't help but wonder why?
​Why do I keep trying?
Why do I keep allowing my heart to be torn?
​My physical struggles are difficult enough,
​So why do I keep letting my guard down emotionally?

​Witnessing others' battles, day in and day out, within the groups is tough.
I have debated trying to distance myself,
but then someone may be left to fight this battle alone.
​I've attempted separating my GP life from my personal life,
​but how is that even possible when my health is such a major part of my current life?

​Selectively I choose which friends to connect with on more personal levels,
​which friends to trust and strengthen my ties of communication.
But when those friends hurt,
when those friends die,
It's like a dagger stabbing my heart.
​Emptiness and numbness become so overwhelming

But without letting friends in, who would I be?
​Some "friends" have disappeared since illness consumed me.
Those that remain don't truly understand
not like the friends I've connected with online.
​They have great intentions and mean well,
​I know, they too, are concerned, pray, and care.
​But only those living it can truly grasp what we endure.
My newest friends I have never physically met,
may never have the opportunity to physically meet,
​But their friendship is valued greatly and is very real.

​The friends I let in, along with my family of course,
become the strength behind my smile,
​The very smile that hides my tears but also shines with joy.
​They are the encouraging voices behind my fears.
​They motivate me to live with purpose, share my story, and fight.
​They remind me of the beauty in life that still exits,
​Remind me of why I can never give up.
​They redirect me to family, faith, and love when I become weak.

​I treasure my loved ones,
I treasure my friends,
both new, old, near and far.
​I know that I must be willing to face hurt and sadness
in order to experience love.
​
​The tears just don't become easier.
​Walls eventually become stronger and taller,
​More difficult to break down and enter.
​I become frozen, lost and uncertain of how to move forward.

​But soon I realize that the pain of losing dear friends
​is a small price to pay
for the friendship, talks, and smiles that were shared along the way.

So here I'm left
reflecting and appreciating all that I have,
​full-heartedly loving those that are close and dear to my heart,
while remembering and missing those who have left too soon.

Thankful and blessed for all the amazing people
​that GOD has arranged to be a part of my life journey.

© 2016  Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ​

I am more than a robot!
I am more than a machine!

I'm not a superhero.
I may be surrounded with beeps and tubes, but I still possess the ability to be something special.
I will FIGHT for LIFE.
I can no longer sit back and passively watch life pass me by.
I can no longer wait for others to solve my problems.
I have made so many sacrifices through the years.
Now it's time for ME.
It's time to grab hold to my strengths and use them to improve my outlook for life.
​It's time to stand up for what I NEED and WANT in LIFE.

Ever hidden behind a mask of smiles?
Trying to hide the feelings deep inside
Protecting others from your harshest trials,
​while internally you feel like should have died?

​Daily life with chronic illness is hard,
​Plans become difficult to make and keep.
Somehow you learn how to put up your guard,
Learning to smile, when you just want to weep.

​Your smiles can also be trained to conceal
​Pain, anger, hunger, nausea, and defeat
​Protecting your loved ones from the real deal
Fighting rough battles while being discreet.

​These very smiles may not tell the whole truth
But share emotions you want to display.
​Since honest expression may seem uncouth
and strength's perceived when a smile lights your way.

​A  mask of smiles may succeed to hide pain
​Yet sadly creates emotional strain.

I no longer know what to say
No longer know what to think.
Hurting continues
day after day
Pushing me to
my absolute brink.

I feel so exhausted
So broken
So tired
No energy left in me to fight.

Against me
my body has conspired
Left me in darkness
searching for answers
Lost and hidden from light

Endlessly searching
Hopelessly drowning
Regretfully watching
As life continues to pass me by.

My body aches
From continuous strain
Physically
Emotionally
My body battles again
And again.

The pain
The despair
The weakness.
My life I grieve
As I keep telling myself
to simply just Breathe.

Each step forward
Matched with suffering.
Each bright moment
Followed with crying.

Feeling out of control
Wanting to just give up,
Knowing that's not the answer
I try to keep up.

So here I stay
Anxiously waiting
Patiently praying
Speechless
And numb.

© 2015-2017  Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ​

I used to dread going to doctor's appointments 
Procrastinating until I could wait no longer.
Not wanting to admit my personal short-comings
Thinking handling them on my own would make me stronger.

But a few years ago things drastically changed
I could no longer face my ailing illness.
Forced to reach out for medical help,
My apprehension and debilitating symptoms left to hang in the stillness.

From the hospital experience I quickly learned
That receiving support and care was completely okay.
SOME doctors truly have a heart and compassion,
With Concern and Empathy clearly portrayed.

The positive connections
Helped me return to my feet.
Trusting in my doctors
Made my illness-related anguish appear obsolete.

Then my illness took a turn for the worse,
Medicines and treatments, no longer effective.
Everything  I try failing at creating any noticeable improvements,
In fact my whole digestive system seems to have become defective.

I attempt to keep trusting in my health team
But must admit I'm discouraged or anxious with some.
It's hard being dismissed, ignored, or left with no options
Accepting that no relief or answers may come.

I have an upcoming appointment again this week,
I honestly don't know anymore, what to expect.
Will I be heard? Will new treatments arise?
Until then, my worries & symptoms I must redirect.

We are told that we should not fear death,
but have you ever been scared because fear is so far away?
Sometimes I sit wondering what is wrong with me,
as thoughts of dying, disappearing, vanishing are just common thoughts during my day.

I have no desire to end my life early.
I'm not going to take my life in my own hands.
It's just I sometimes feel so numb, almost non-existent.
And just wishing anything would help take away all of my pains.

It becomes so tedious and difficult pretending to be okay
Trying to stay strong for my kids, and not appearing weak.
Confusion and peace often wresting within me,
especially when times seem to be so very bleak.

Memories of my last ER visit, floating around and around in my mind.
My mom and I both thought I'd reached the end of my time.
Moaning and squirming with intense pain,
Praying for my kids and loved ones I thought were being left behind.

I just NEEDED THEM to be COMFORTED,
I WANTED them to KNOW that I was at PEACE.
I PRAYED they each knew how much I LOVED them
And that my LOVE for them would NEVER EVER CEASE.

How can I be so positive?
How can I continue to smile?
When truth is I'm in constant pain,
With lack of nutrition for quite a while.

The only way I know how to respond,
the only thing I know to say----
Is I have a great support team and
have God beside me each and every day.

You see, while I am hurting,
sad, weak, and have tears rolling down my cheek.
I have online friends that build me up
and a family that consoles and guides me week after week.

It would be so easy to roll up in a ball
or seclude myself in a room all alone.
Giving up my fight would not be difficult at all
BUT giving up isn't an option - I'm never fighting this alone.

When I am at my weakest points
or struggling with the severest of pain.
God, family, and friends always pull me through.
That's when I realize ALL of God's blessings that I've gained.

© 2015 Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Can strength be a weakness,
while some weakness is a strength?

Being brave while frightened,
yet frightened because I "seem" to be so brave!

Fearless about the journey and future that lies ahead,
yet thinking about the future fills me with fear.

Speechless about the everyday non-stop pain that I feel,
yet not enough words to express the pain's reality.

Crying over the loss of friends from this rotten disease,
yet friends I've met as a result help keep me from crying.

Reaching out for a hand I can hopefully help,
while also stretching to find a helping hand for myself.

Striving to force nutrition to increase my energy,
yet all my energy's exhausted from trying to increase my nutrition.

My body and mind can only handle so much before reaching the breaking point,
but can reaching the breaking point finally heal my body and mind?

Taking risks to find positive value in life,
yet heartbreaking devastation when risks fail.

Searching for answers for so many questions,
yet the only answer may simply be, who asks the right question!

Determined to be an inspiration for others,
when others' inspiration are what keep me determined.

Fighting with all I have to help find a cure,
when lack of a cure is what actually enables me to keep fighting.


© 2015 Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

At a loss of words
Don't know what to say.
Heart is so heavy
From hearing of another loss today.

Just don't understand
How many deaths must we bear?
Until we can finally, finally
Find enough people to care.

Young lives lost early
are always very sad.
Yet 3, yes 3 lost is one week
actually makes me very mad!

We have to keep fighting
We have no other choice.
Someone HAS to decide to help us
As we continue sharing our Gastroparesis voice.

Where's my inner warrior?
Where's my strong, courageous, fighter?
Where's my crusader?

My hope is fading, 
my symptoms are taking over. 
I am fading, 
I am slowly slipping away.
Just don't know how much longer
I can survive.

I am here,
I am present,
I keep persevering for my kids
I keep trying for my family.
Unquestioning God's plan & purpose.
Believing change will come
And that I'm here for a reason.

But that's it.
I'm JUST here.

Where's the fun, curious, adventurous me?
Where's the me that loves life?
Where IS my life?

How can I recapture the "real" me?
How can I return to living?

I try to stay strong.
I try to stay positive.
I'ts just so hard
Becoming impossible.

Gastroparesis is robbing my life
As well as some of my friends'.
Day in Day out we give everything!
We use all of our energy.
For what?
Just to exist and fight again tomorrow 
and the next day and the next?

When will we be heard?
When will we be helped?

This invisible disease has hidden us!
Trapping our true inner self!
Leaving us struggling internally
While NO ONE seems to be searching!
No one willing to help!

When will we be able to escape these walls?
When will WE reappear and LIVE again?

We just want to feel better!
Is that too much to ask?

© 2015 Trisha Bundy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Ocean View
Beautiful calm at a distance
Fearless surfers delight and experience
Relaxing to watch and listen to
An escape from reality
yet
Powerful struggles
Forceful undertows
Knocking you down again and again
Drowning, holding you under
Unable to breathe
Disabling, not letting you stand up
Exhaustion beyond measure

Ride it out, fight to exist, or just give up and float away? 
That's the question we are faced with each and every day!

Living with Gastroparesis is like an ocean. 
Easy for those without GP to see just the outward appearance, 
while only those living with GP truly understand the battles within.