It’s not so much that I don’t choose to love myself, I do want to and try to, I do respect and possibly love some aspects of me, but still struggle with truly accepting myself. I don’t hate or dislike all of me, and not all of the time, it comes in waves. I do hate feeling bad physically and mentally for extended lengths of time. I do feel as though I accept my illness for the most part, though do not like it or the impact it has on me.
I no longer feel guilty for the impact illness has had on parenting (with exception of financially) because I know that it’s out of my control and because my kids accept and do not look down on me for it. The connection, respect, love, communication and relationship that my children and I have is top-rate. I feel confident that I’m the best parent that I can be to my kids, though I still would love to be able to offer them more financially, especially with college expenses around the corner, and would enjoy being able to do more fun and exciting activities with them. I’m proud of them for emerging into compassionate young adults with empathy and concern for others. On the other hand, I don’t always accept the physical/emotional toll. I still deal with the feeling of not being “enough” anymore as well as having trouble facing my negative emotions at times. It’s not uncommon to feel disconnected from myself or question the value of my life? Yes, I do know that my life still has value, it’s just not the same amount that it used to be or that I think it should. (I know “should” statements aren’t wise to compare myself to.) I know that there are people that care about me and value me, but with exception to my immediate family, I don’t really know why. I don’t feel as if I have much of anything to offer. I’m not one that likes to talk. I’ve lost my “voice” in writing, at least currently, because thoughts and words do not connect. I miss the way that writing helped me process and unload and wish that I could make it return. What would loving myself unconditionally be like? Challenging, but worthwhile in the long run. I would expect that it would be less stressful, open myself up to more happiness, and that I’d be much more comfortable, relaxed, and content. There would be less negativity, self-judgement, and anger toward myself. How would I treat myself differently if I made choice to love myself unconditionally like I do my kids? Forgiveness toward self - especially when relating to something that was out of my control Accept self - instead of criticizing, accept as the current me & know it’s okay Enough? - remember just being here gives me value, being me could be enough, Jesus claims I AM ENOUGH Stop judging self - show self-compassion instead, mistakes are ok, stop comparing to others Respect self by setting healthier boundaries for self and with others Create “Me-time” for things that help me feel good - figure out what those things are Speak to self in a more loving way - tell self what I’d tell my kids in similar situation Consider & ensure I find a way to get what I need - adventure, time, security, connection, purpose, etc Appreciate myself - don’t be afraid to search & acknowledge what I appreciate about me Love myself as God loves me, try to see myself through God's eyes, not "wordly eyes" *** Coronavirus impact on me and family Fears/concerns about returning to school & starting college (Safety, Comfort, Transition, Uncertainty) Ironically, I’ve had a little more compassion and less judging of self presently - is it because I feel more like a “common” nonessential” person being told to stay home at the moment? Which has resulted in me putting less pressure on myself? For a change, I’m actually doing what everyone is supposed to do, staying home.
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Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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