Tonight I sit alone,
Alone on the couch with my computer in my lap And loyal dog by my feet. Lost in my thoughts Contemplating the vision that's before me. This weekend overall has been a very quiet one. Lots of "me" time to think while my family went on vacation once again without me. I had been looking forward to this trip with my brother and his family. A chance to see the kids laugh and play priceless treasured memories created. Unfortunately, once again my health decided to fail me. Preventing me from attending Leaving me here to cope alone to wish, dream, and possibly heal. Vacations have become difficult for me never knowing how to plan, when to stay and when to go. Part of me is torn each and every time regardless of which path I decide. This time I stayed home as my strength has been so obsolete, my new PORT still extremely sore, and barely enough energy just to sit. Did I make the best decision? That I am not quite sure. Physically I did what we felt was wise and safe Emotionally left feeling as an outcast. I've tried to fill the empty space with reading, resting, writing even Lifetime movies. But it's just not the same as quality time with my kids and loved ones. I see the pictures which mostly make me smile with pride, but also remind me of all that I'm missing. Experiences that bring them joy and happiness With me nowhere to be found. My kids keep me updated text and messaging throughout the day. Content with happiness from most but undoubtedly I'm hiding tears of guilt as well. How do I answer some of their questions For this I am lost. I no longer know how to respond to all that they say and post. "How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? I'm worried, and scared. I don't won't you to die!" I don't know how to handle these, Do I tell them the truth? Try to protect them from worrying? When they already know how I feel from the sound of my voice or the expression I unknowingly portray on my face. How do I successfully comfort them when I'm full of uncertainty myself? How do I make them believe me when I say everything will be okay? When once again they keep having to say they miss me because once again, at home, I stay!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
Categories
All
More Blog Entries
March 2024
|