Have you ever taken the time to step away from your body? Tried to discover yourself at a different angle? Determine what others see when they look at you? I don't mean just the outward appearance, but when they truly SEE YOU and everything you stand for? Have you ever wondered, why they choose to stay around? What do you even have to offer? Today I am challenging myself to take a moment and glimpse into the window of my soul. What will I see? I am not sure. Will it be easy? Most definitely not. Could it be worthwhile? Let's hope so. So who am I? On the surface I'm a woman, mother, daughter, friend, sister, aunt, and wife. I have blue eyes, brown hair, and try to keep a smile. In the past I was an athlete, sport enthusiast, and elementary teacher. I taught from my heart with a desire to connect and make a difference. I've had accomplishments, achievements, and disappointments. Been surrounded by love, heartache, fears, and dreams. Related to me for sure, but not completely indicative of who I am. The truth of the matter is that I don't always know who I am. My identity seems to have been compromised by the illness that plagues and interferes. I know that illness should not define me Though it's impact on life is quite severe! Hidden underneath I know I'm still here I am still me! A me that makes me look and live differently But ultimately still me! So who is that exactly? I'm not sure that I can answer. But maybe if I lay it out I'll be able to soon rediscover. I search for how to live with purpose, even more so now that I'm confused over what that could be. I wonder if I can still make a difference, as that's always been one of my ambitions in life. I hear the anguish and suffering from others trying to find relief, support, and medical teams. I see the fears and concerns from my own kids and family. I want to live with passion, help others, and not simply just exist. I am me! Confused at times of what others want me to be. I pretend to smile and laugh, even when I feel like screaming or crying. I feel at times like an alien, lost and misunderstood with various foreign equipment attached. I miss exciting adventures with my family, teaching, and even driving to places by myself. I worry about the impact my illness has on my family, as I don't want to become a burden. I cry internally as this is not the life that I envisioned. I expected to be so much more than what I currently am. Yet, I am me! Admittedly, at times it's very difficult for me to be simply JUST me. I understand the importance of faith, courage, compassion, empathy, and perseverance. I say that everything happens for a reason and that everything will eventually fall into place. I dream of living with enthusiasm, creating loving memories with my family, and having fun without pain, nausea, or fatigue. I try to be optimistic, to be appreciative, while also trying to accept the reality I live in. I hope that others are able to truly SEE ME, the real me, even when I'm hidden from myself. Yes, I am me! And that's not always a bad person to be. I write in my blog for self-awareness, healing, and to let others know that they are not alone. I sing along with current Christian music to lift my mood when I am down. I admire my closest friends that I've met online, encouraged by their inspiring motivation. I appreciate my healthcare team that I am so blessed to be surrounded by. I love God, I love my children, and I love the rest of my family full heartedly. I am me! And maybe, that's all that I'm expected to be!
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Tonight I sit alone,
Alone on the couch with my computer in my lap And loyal dog by my feet. Lost in my thoughts Contemplating the vision that's before me. This weekend overall has been a very quiet one. Lots of "me" time to think while my family went on vacation once again without me. I had been looking forward to this trip with my brother and his family. A chance to see the kids laugh and play priceless treasured memories created. Unfortunately, once again my health decided to fail me. Preventing me from attending Leaving me here to cope alone to wish, dream, and possibly heal. Vacations have become difficult for me never knowing how to plan, when to stay and when to go. Part of me is torn each and every time regardless of which path I decide. This time I stayed home as my strength has been so obsolete, my new PORT still extremely sore, and barely enough energy just to sit. Did I make the best decision? That I am not quite sure. Physically I did what we felt was wise and safe Emotionally left feeling as an outcast. I've tried to fill the empty space with reading, resting, writing even Lifetime movies. But it's just not the same as quality time with my kids and loved ones. I see the pictures which mostly make me smile with pride, but also remind me of all that I'm missing. Experiences that bring them joy and happiness With me nowhere to be found. My kids keep me updated text and messaging throughout the day. Content with happiness from most but undoubtedly I'm hiding tears of guilt as well. How do I answer some of their questions For this I am lost. I no longer know how to respond to all that they say and post. "How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? I'm worried, and scared. I don't won't you to die!" I don't know how to handle these, Do I tell them the truth? Try to protect them from worrying? When they already know how I feel from the sound of my voice or the expression I unknowingly portray on my face. How do I successfully comfort them when I'm full of uncertainty myself? How do I make them believe me when I say everything will be okay? When once again they keep having to say they miss me because once again, at home, I stay! Am I enough?
Enough as a mother, wife, daughter, or friend? Am I enough being just me? How can I be when I'm stuck at home, miserable, sick, and so fatigued? I try to be here and give my all Even when I have no energy to spare. But fun experiences come at a cost, The fatigue & pain become harder to bare. I love my family more than life itself I'd give anything for their happiness, you see Which makes me wonder if simply leaving Would decrease all the sadness created by me. I know that leaving would not be easy, More difficult for me by far. Yet loneliness and countlessly disappointing Welcomes the idea of escaping in a blazing star. It’s true, avoidance is not the answer Running away, no problems are solved. However, witnessing life’s events pass by without me Reiterates how much I miss simply being involved. So, Am I enough? Enough as a mother, wife, daughter, and friend? Am I enough being just me? The response I’m not sure I can honestly comprehend. © 2016 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Days like today I can't help but wonder why?
Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep allowing my heart to be torn? My physical struggles are difficult enough, So why do I keep letting my guard down emotionally? Witnessing others' battles, day in and day out, within the groups is tough. I have debated trying to distance myself, but then someone may be left to fight this battle alone. I've attempted separating my GP life from my personal life, but how is that even possible when my health is such a major part of my current life? Selectively I choose which friends to connect with on more personal levels, which friends to trust and strengthen my ties of communication. But when those friends hurt, when those friends die, It's like a dagger stabbing my heart. Emptiness and numbness become so overwhelming But without letting friends in, who would I be? Some "friends" have disappeared since illness consumed me. Those that remain don't truly understand not like the friends I've connected with online. They have great intentions and mean well, I know, they too, are concerned, pray, and care. But only those living it can truly grasp what we endure. My newest friends I have never physically met, may never have the opportunity to physically meet, But their friendship is valued greatly and is very real. The friends I let in, along with my family of course, become the strength behind my smile, The very smile that hides my tears but also shines with joy. They are the encouraging voices behind my fears. They motivate me to live with purpose, share my story, and fight. They remind me of the beauty in life that still exits, Remind me of why I can never give up. They redirect me to family, faith, and love when I become weak. I treasure my loved ones, I treasure my friends, both new, old, near and far. I know that I must be willing to face hurt and sadness in order to experience love. The tears just don't become easier. Walls eventually become stronger and taller, More difficult to break down and enter. I become frozen, lost and uncertain of how to move forward. But soon I realize that the pain of losing dear friends is a small price to pay for the friendship, talks, and smiles that were shared along the way. So here I'm left reflecting and appreciating all that I have, full-heartedly loving those that are close and dear to my heart, while remembering and missing those who have left too soon. Thankful and blessed for all the amazing people that GOD has arranged to be a part of my life journey. © 2016 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED I am more than a robot!
I am more than a machine! I'm not a superhero. I may be surrounded with beeps and tubes, but I still possess the ability to be something special. I will FIGHT for LIFE. I can no longer sit back and passively watch life pass me by. I can no longer wait for others to solve my problems. I have made so many sacrifices through the years. Now it's time for ME. It's time to grab hold to my strengths and use them to improve my outlook for life. It's time to stand up for what I NEED and WANT in LIFE. Ever hidden behind a mask of smiles? Trying to hide the feelings deep inside Protecting others from your harshest trials, while internally you feel like should have died? Daily life with chronic illness is hard, Plans become difficult to make and keep. Somehow you learn how to put up your guard, Learning to smile, when you just want to weep. Your smiles can also be trained to conceal Pain, anger, hunger, nausea, and defeat Protecting your loved ones from the real deal Fighting rough battles while being discreet. These very smiles may not tell the whole truth But share emotions you want to display. Since honest expression may seem uncouth and strength's perceived when a smile lights your way. A mask of smiles may succeed to hide pain Yet sadly creates emotional strain. I no longer know what to say
No longer know what to think. Hurting continues day after day Pushing me to my absolute brink. I feel so exhausted So broken So tired No energy left in me to fight. Against me my body has conspired Left me in darkness searching for answers Lost and hidden from light Endlessly searching Hopelessly drowning Regretfully watching As life continues to pass me by. My body aches From continuous strain Physically Emotionally My body battles again And again. The pain The despair The weakness. My life I grieve As I keep telling myself to simply just Breathe. Each step forward Matched with suffering. Each bright moment Followed with crying. Feeling out of control Wanting to just give up, Knowing that's not the answer I try to keep up. So here I stay Anxiously waiting Patiently praying Speechless And numb. © 2015-2017 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Fighting a difficult health journey wears on your emotions at times. It's impossible to remain strong, confident, and hopeful everyday. Honestly, it would be so much easier just to lie down and give up. But then where does that get you? Has it truly solved anything? Is that God's purpose for you?
During my darkest times, like the one described in my poem below, I try to rely on my faith, family, and friends. This poem was written from my aching heart and broken spirit, with the intention of emptying my fears and sadness on paper. I had no intention to share with anyone, but recognizing my need for emotional support, I shared it with a very dear friend. I was ashamed for anyone to see these thoughts, mostly because they were very intimate, but also because I didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable and hurt I am. I did not want to be judged. Reading the words from deep within my thoughts truly scared me and I didn't want anyone else, especially those I care most about, know how bad things were for me emotionally. I didn't want my family or friends to be worried at all about me. I was, and still am, worn and exhausted. Frustration has been building as all I want is to feel better, to be healthier. I am so thankful for having a compassionate friend that I can trust. Sharing this poem with her was the very best possible move on my part, as it opened up a heartfelt conversation which led to hope and renewed patience. My friend helped remind me that it's alright for me to feel a variety of emotions. So why am I sharing this poem? I am sharing it to express how important it is to have a support team that loves you and cares about you, that's willing to be by your side, build you up when you down, and hold your hand when you are at your lowest points. I am sharing it in hopes that it will help someone else that's experiencing rough waters, seeing no relief in sight, and feeling like giving up. I am sharing it so you know that you are not alone!!! Faith, love, and patience will help your survive. Better days lie ahead, if you just hold on! As you read my poem, I hope you are able to feel my personal anguish. Feel my pain. But more than that, I hope that you are able to find comfort in knowing that the storm is calming. Life goes on - if we just hold on and NEVER truly GIVE UP! If we just put our trust in loved ones and GOD, we will survive! Broken and lost, no longer recognize who I am where am I going or even why to hang on. Giving up hope don’t know why I keep trying, nothing to offer when just barely surviving. Pain when I eat, drink or even look in the mirror. Hate what I’ve become why do I even matter? I’m a failure regardless how hard I try I want to feel better but relief just won’t arrive.. Thought I had finally figured out a way to heal yet unmet expectations, only leave me disappointed The surgery helped no denying about it. Some improvements noted with other symptoms persisting. So why do I keep hurting. why do I have to keep struggling? Why does my intake keep creating harsh consequences. I just don’t understand. I try to follow all dr orders. but eating and drinking cause way too much discomfort. Yes I miss food, I do want to be “normal” yet impossible when relentless consequences keep coming. Can’t help but think I could spare my family and self so much despair If I just gave up, or found a way to quickly disappear. I feel so alone, my GI no longer with answers when I say that I’m struggling to receive basic nutrition. MY PAIN IS REAL! The nausea and heaving disheartening, I envisioned it disappearing, but still here it’s remaining. I’ve tried to overcome fears, advocating for self and others. But how can I now when I can’t even help myself, I just suffer? My heart aches with sadness when told I’m an inspiration Because my strength has become weak, leaving me completely defeated. So I’ll give up my PICC line, Tube too if they want And wither away silently, my ambition already lost. My future’s uncertain, how can things ever change when I’m frustrated, exhausted, and purpose vanished? My spirit’s now broken, empty, no longer give a damn. No longer have the energy to keep fighting, just to live like I am. |
Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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