I used to dread going to doctor's appointments
Procrastinating until I could wait no longer. Not wanting to admit my personal short-comings Thinking handling them on my own would make me stronger. But a few years ago things drastically changed I could no longer face my ailing illness. Forced to reach out for medical help, My apprehension and debilitating symptoms left to hang in the stillness. From the hospital experience I quickly learned That receiving support and care was completely okay. SOME doctors truly have a heart and compassion, With Concern and Empathy clearly portrayed. The positive connections Helped me return to my feet. Trusting in my doctors Made my illness-related anguish appear obsolete. Then my illness took a turn for the worse, Medicines and treatments, no longer effective. Everything I try failing at creating any noticeable improvements, In fact my whole digestive system seems to have become defective. I attempt to keep trusting in my health team But must admit I'm discouraged or anxious with some. It's hard being dismissed, ignored, or left with no options Accepting that no relief or answers may come. I have an upcoming appointment again this week, I honestly don't know anymore, what to expect. Will I be heard? Will new treatments arise? Until then, my worries & symptoms I must redirect.
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We are told that we should not fear death,
but have you ever been scared because fear is so far away? Sometimes I sit wondering what is wrong with me, as thoughts of dying, disappearing, vanishing are just common thoughts during my day. I have no desire to end my life early. I'm not going to take my life in my own hands. It's just I sometimes feel so numb, almost non-existent. And just wishing anything would help take away all of my pains. It becomes so tedious and difficult pretending to be okay Trying to stay strong for my kids, and not appearing weak. Confusion and peace often wresting within me, especially when times seem to be so very bleak. Memories of my last ER visit, floating around and around in my mind. My mom and I both thought I'd reached the end of my time. Moaning and squirming with intense pain, Praying for my kids and loved ones I thought were being left behind. I just NEEDED THEM to be COMFORTED, I WANTED them to KNOW that I was at PEACE. I PRAYED they each knew how much I LOVED them And that my LOVE for them would NEVER EVER CEASE. How can I be so positive?
How can I continue to smile? When truth is I'm in constant pain, With lack of nutrition for quite a while. The only way I know how to respond, the only thing I know to say---- Is I have a great support team and have God beside me each and every day. You see, while I am hurting, sad, weak, and have tears rolling down my cheek. I have online friends that build me up and a family that consoles and guides me week after week. It would be so easy to roll up in a ball or seclude myself in a room all alone. Giving up my fight would not be difficult at all BUT giving up isn't an option - I'm never fighting this alone. When I am at my weakest points or struggling with the severest of pain. God, family, and friends always pull me through. That's when I realize ALL of God's blessings that I've gained. © 2015 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Can strength be a weakness,
while some weakness is a strength? Being brave while frightened, yet frightened because I "seem" to be so brave! Fearless about the journey and future that lies ahead, yet thinking about the future fills me with fear. Speechless about the everyday non-stop pain that I feel, yet not enough words to express the pain's reality. Crying over the loss of friends from this rotten disease, yet friends I've met as a result help keep me from crying. Reaching out for a hand I can hopefully help, while also stretching to find a helping hand for myself. Striving to force nutrition to increase my energy, yet all my energy's exhausted from trying to increase my nutrition. My body and mind can only handle so much before reaching the breaking point, but can reaching the breaking point finally heal my body and mind? Taking risks to find positive value in life, yet heartbreaking devastation when risks fail. Searching for answers for so many questions, yet the only answer may simply be, who asks the right question! Determined to be an inspiration for others, when others' inspiration are what keep me determined. Fighting with all I have to help find a cure, when lack of a cure is what actually enables me to keep fighting. © 2015 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED At a loss of words
Don't know what to say. Heart is so heavy From hearing of another loss today. Just don't understand How many deaths must we bear? Until we can finally, finally Find enough people to care. Young lives lost early are always very sad. Yet 3, yes 3 lost is one week actually makes me very mad! We have to keep fighting We have no other choice. Someone HAS to decide to help us As we continue sharing our Gastroparesis voice. Where's my inner warrior?
Where's my strong, courageous, fighter? Where's my crusader? My hope is fading, my symptoms are taking over. I am fading, I am slowly slipping away. Just don't know how much longer I can survive. I am here, I am present, I keep persevering for my kids I keep trying for my family. Unquestioning God's plan & purpose. Believing change will come And that I'm here for a reason. But that's it. I'm JUST here. Where's the fun, curious, adventurous me? Where's the me that loves life? Where IS my life? How can I recapture the "real" me? How can I return to living? I try to stay strong. I try to stay positive. I'ts just so hard Becoming impossible. Gastroparesis is robbing my life As well as some of my friends'. Day in Day out we give everything! We use all of our energy. For what? Just to exist and fight again tomorrow and the next day and the next? When will we be heard? When will we be helped? This invisible disease has hidden us! Trapping our true inner self! Leaving us struggling internally While NO ONE seems to be searching! No one willing to help! When will we be able to escape these walls? When will WE reappear and LIVE again? We just want to feel better! Is that too much to ask? © 2015 Trisha Bundy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Ocean View Beautiful calm at a distance Fearless surfers delight and experience Relaxing to watch and listen to An escape from reality yet Powerful struggles Forceful undertows Knocking you down again and again Drowning, holding you under Unable to breathe Disabling, not letting you stand up Exhaustion beyond measure Ride it out, fight to exist, or just give up and float away? That's the question we are faced with each and every day! Living with Gastroparesis is like an ocean. Easy for those without GP to see just the outward appearance, while only those living with GP truly understand the battles within. |
Trisha BundyA proud mother, educator, Gastroparesis & GI Motility Disorder Advocate, Like my content? Want to thank me with a small token of appreciation? https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1LH7R639ORBML?ref_=wl_share
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